I feel so bad for only posting today after 5 weeks of silence…
I have not been dealing with this surgery and the aftermath so well… I have to be honest, otherwise how am I able to help anyone if I just lie and say I am feeling great, right?!…
But the only way I think I am able to describe how I am feeling, is that I feel I have been through a majorly traumatic experience.
Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one’s ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience.
Symptoms of psychological trauma:
- Shock, denial, or disbelief.
- Confusion, difficulty concentrating.
- Anger, irritability, mood swings.
- Anxiety and fear.
- Guilt, shame, self-blame.
- Withdrawing from others.
- Feeling sad or hopeless.
- Feeling disconnected or numb.
I feel like I am unable to come to terms with what has been done to me, I know I asked for this surgery… but the manner in which it was handled and how my surgeons didn’t tell me what to expect afterwards… I have a photo of the first time I was my scars, and I only saw the scars because of this photo, so I didn’t even see the full extent of them yet… and my face… If I was that nurse, I would have called for a psychologist immediately! It was a face of pure brokenness…
I know that the scars will heal up and there are so many things I am able to do to cover the scars and make them better. I truly do! I am a massive fan of tattoo’s, so I should be totally fine with the thought of this. But… I still feel violated and extremely heartbroken, and it has been 14 weeks and 2 days now…
I know I am still healing from the infection, which isn’t make this any easier…
I can’t even type this post without breaking down into tears and feeling utterly broken, I feel like I won’t ever be the same again (which is a good and bad thing I guess, it’s about how you look at it)
So… the last few weeks I have been having outbursts, at work, home, random places… of random hurt and anger and I can’t even explain what else… My husband (being the amazing man he is) called my psychologist to make an emergency appointment, because he could see I wasn’t ok…
Subsequent to these outbursts, I have lost my job and now I have the fortunate ability to help myself and “find myself” again…
Because for soo many years, I was Megan the flight attendant, then I was Megan, working for her Husband…. Now I want to find out who I am with being BRCA positive and how that has made me need and want more from my life.
If it makes any sense at all, it feels like I have been given a chance to fight and live my life and I need to use it!!!
Shjoe… this was one of the hardest posts to type out and be honest with myself!
I do feel like I cannot see my future anymore… although I am hoping that turns out to be a good thing! Getting to find my feet emotionally and mentally, and deciding what I am going to do now. If I am completely honest with myself… I do see a glimmer of hope at the end of this dark tunnel I am going through in my life right now… I have only my husband and my psychologist to thank for that!
I would not be here today without them!
I am healing up, even though it is slowly, I am healing nonetheless.
I am thinking about getting a second opinion on my reconstruction and the whole surgery to know how other doctors may have done things and if I should stay the course with my current surgeon and hang in there… I think I maaaybe should have done this before the surgery, but I know why I didn’t… I felt safe with my surgeon. (I was so innocent!) lol.
Sorry, I shouldn’t be mean! Megan! Back in your box!
I want you all to know that trauma is normal, but just make sure you have a good support team in your corner and you are strong and empowered with knowledge!
I wish my personal experience on no-one! But if you find yourself in a similar position, I AM HERE FOR YOU!!!!! Read that again! I AM HERE FOR YOU!
You are not alone!